Author Archives: Oliver Kaufman

About Oliver Kaufman

Oliver Kaufman just is who he is. Like anybody, he's got a lot of stuff going on inside of him, and, having found a way to share it, created this website to share what he has found that brings value to his own life. He also likes to talk in third person and sound genial and relatable. He has a thing about not being defined by the groups he's been a part of, the schools he's attended, or the kind of people he hangs out with. That's not important to him. What he really likes is finding out stuff in life that is helpful to other people and himself, things that make life better, more enriched, more empowered - and without cheap tactics like fooling yourself into thinking life is better, or more enriched, or that one is empowered when they really aren't. He's not into that. He knows that some people put high standards on themselves and others, they hold up certain people as heroes and ideal people to be like. He doesn't like this. He thinks that everyone has stuff going on inside them, and that paying attention to how things are right now for each individual is what's important. Maybe he's wrong, but talking about all this in his biographical information sure makes him feel good. Also doubtful. He wonders if talking this way, when you the reader probably expected a long-winded list of past events, is off-putting to you. But, in the end, he has decided to just stick with what he likes, and that means sticking with exactly what he wrote. With that, he bids you farewell and hopes you enjoy this site. Thank you!

The Path of Self-Awareness

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Have you ever wondered why you have the thoughts you do? Where your emotions come from? Bad habits? There’s probably some things about yourself you’d like to change. Have you ever wondered why certain areas of your life are so hard, or so easy?

There’s more to life than meets the senses. Haven’t you ever felt, when you were talking to someone, that you were “sensing” the kind of energy coming off of them – bored or scared, friendly or annoyed, arrogant or genuine? Yeah, you do need your senses for that, but what you might not realize is that you are not sensing the other person – you are sensing an energy that’s inside yourself.

Certain dynamics of energy are going on inside of you already. When you sense another person’s energy, the way you respond is dependent on how something within you responds to the type of energy coming from the other person as it already exists inside yourself. Continue reading →

Find Your Unconditional Kindness, Feel Self-Acceptance

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“Avoid the signs.”

Oftentimes in life, the way we find our goals is by criticizing every wrong move we make. We think, “well, if I can avoid doing it wrong, if I PUNISH myself for doing it wrong, then I’ll end up doing it right, eventually.” Yeah but, how does it feel?

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What do you truly long for? Separating Goals and Purpose

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Ambition and Purpose Part Ways

“Out you go! Gahahahaha! Find your own way! Sink or swim!”
“I could be mad, but maybe you’re right. I’m going to find my own way!”

There is a part of one’s self who wants to chase big dreams, goals, and ambitions. And there’s another part who can get lost in life and wants to find direction. When these two meet, the part who is lost can be persuaded that what he is truly looking for is what the ambitious one has his sights on. But that is a lie. By pursuing ambitions, you can lose your sense of purpose, and thus the guiding light that gives you direction.

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Restricted Emotions – Questioning the Chains around your Heart

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One of the Restricted Emotions

“Someday… we will be free!”

Ever had a feeling and then thought to yourself, “I’m stupid for feeling this way.”? And then have you tried to stop the feeling, and restrict your emotions? Well, those emotions are like people in chains. And the ones holding the chains are the voices inside you who are saying, “You’re so stupid for feeling that way!”

Thoughts like: “I can’t believe I’m so upset.” “I can’t get this angry!” “Damn it, I need to tough it out, not get so down about everything…” – these come from restricting your emotions.

“But… but I can’t just let my emotions run wild!” you might say. Yeah, part of me thinks the same way. I think – well, if I just let loose, well, who knows what could happen? I might get out of control – I might go in a direction in life I don’t want to. I might do stupid things, I might get egotistical. Better to shut my self down, right?

Well, I think there’s another way. Do I know what it is yet? I have theories, but… no, I don’t know.

One thing to keep in mind is that when you restrict your emotions, each emotion is coming from a part of yourself who you are devaluing. You think – “if they are acting that way, they must not be worthy of my attention.” But you know what, they are. Who says one part of you has the right to treat other parts of you in such a way?

Or do you really want to drag yourself, kicking and screaming, to every goal in life? The part of you kicking and screaming might have something important to say about it all.

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Distrust of Love, the Destroyer

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Today, my Irresponsible Self was giving me a lot of problems. Didn’t want to clean out the dishwasher, didn’t want to clean pots, didn’t want to take a shower. He didn’t even enjoy playing a video game, which he suggested (in my thoughts) I do in the first place! So I decided to delve deeper and find out what was really bothering him. I lay down, and opened myself up, to let that side of me tell me what was bothering him.

What he showed me in my thoughts was a kind of a story. I don’t know how accurate it is, but it goes a little something like this:

The Distrust of Love destroying my state of being where love and joy abounded.

A long time ago, I had a state of being inside me, like a city, in which there was an abundance of love, justice, and joy. It was wonderful to live in. Then, one day, a being appeared, like a giant snake wrapped around the city with a crazed look on its face. It had feelings of doubt and resentment towards this state of being. The people living in the city tried to fight it, but because they doubted themselves, didn’t know the reason for the snake being there, and thought that maybe the snake’s view on life was correct, they could not defend the city. This city, this state of being, no longer exists – and nothing inside me knows how exactly it fell or what can be done about it right now.

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Self-Deceit: Falling for an Illusion

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“No, I’m not a coward. Come on man, that talk just isn’t cool. Lighten up a bit will ya? Come on, look at this illusion instead.”

Hey guys, I’ve been meaning to make a post on Self-Deceit for a while now. Addressing this aspect of one’s self is so crucial to seeing the things inside one’s self clearly.

Oftentimes, when looking inside one’s self, you can see a lot of embarrassing things. Cowardice, fear, insecurities, anger, superiority, pride and cruelty. Self-deceit doesn’t want you to see these things.

You see, he can team up with Deceit to try and make your life as easy as possible. Deceit wants to plan out life so it’s easy, and Self-Deceit fools you into thinking it is. After all, if every time you look for your inner demons you see nothing “bad”, you’ll quit worrying about it and believe you’re awesome instead!

Like this guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYws8biwOYc

That’s how that part of you talks (you normally experience it as thinking). To him, criticism is “uncool”, and it would rather live in a world full of people who don’t question him than ever consider his own cowardice. And that’s what he is, when you come down to it.

A coward.

So where is this guy in you? Any time you insist that you are a particular way you like, and deny that you are bad in any way, with thoughts like “I’m pretty darn cool.”, “Wow I’m smart, yeah!”, “No no I’m not a coward.”, or “I’m Innocent, seriously!”, this is the indication of self-deceit trying to have power over you, and trick you.

And maybe you’re not cowardly (most of the time). But why insist on it? Why make a big deal to yourself about how you are a particular way? You could just act with courage, and leave it at that.

Self-deceit just doesn’t want you to see your own inner world, your difficulties, your flaws, all the embarrassing stuff about yourself. Can you see why this is a problem? No matter how awesome you feel, issues are left unsolved. You remain a mystery to yourself. Your pain and depression and frustration continue.

So how did I get past this guy? Three things:

  1. The Inner Victim – the part of one’s self who feels helpless and weak, who worries and tries to grasp on to solutions – this part of myself came to the point where lies were hurting her so badly that she desperately wanted the truth. She realized that the truth would be the only thing that would empower her to make decisions that would really help her. Otherwise she was at the whims of the lies of my Deceiver and Self-Deceiver. She no longer wanted things to be nice, or cool or awesome. She wanted to see the bad and face it down, and find real solutions, no matter what she found on the way to them. She didn’t want to be fooled.
  2. I challenged Self-Deceit’s notion that it’s awesome to fool one’s self. I gave him the idea that it was more awesome to be able to stand tall in the face of all the darkness inside one’s self. He bought into this for a second, but his fear got the better of him. That’s when I realized he was a true coward.
  3. See those star glasses he’s wearing in the picture above? I imagined taking them off. I ripped off his mask. And underneath, I saw a scared, insecure, quivering child. “No… my precious coolness…” he said, “Damn it… give [the glasses] back… I don’t want to see… that I’m insecure…”

After that, his game was up. He stopped trying to deceive me, because he was forced to see how uncool he really was. Yeah it can be uncomfortable, but ultimately it’s what we need to be healthy, to know what goes on inside ourselves without the interference of our imaginations.

That’s how he gets you, by the way, Self-Deceit has the power to create illusions with your imagination. You can imagine anything – it can be the exact opposite of what’s actually inside you. How do you know the difference? You could always get lost in a world of illusions created by Self-Deceit to distract you from your desire to see the truth. We could avoid the guilt, the pain, the embarrassment for our entire lives. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, but we’ve covered it over with our own unwillingness to see our flaws. Our own fear.

In the mean time, we can’t pursue the truth, self-improvement, or healing consciously.

So, knowing this – is that how any of us truly wants to live? If you could see what Self-Deceit can do to you, I’d bet not. So call this guy out! Oh and good luck finding him, too – he probably doesn’t want you to. But I think you’ll know him when you find him.

For more help on the dynamic involving the Deceiver, the Inner Victim, Self-Deceit, and the Good-Hearted Theorist, check out these previous blog posts:

Overview: Self-Deceit and Manipulation

Overcoming Self-Deceit, continued

The Inner Deceiver’s Return

(Note: I call it Self-Deceit here, but there’s a difference between the Self-Deceiver and the Deceiver. The Deceiver wants an easy life through lying to others. The Self-Deceiver wants to run away from the truth of himself. But it’s a pack of lies regardless.)

People-pleaser to fighter: The Nurturer’s Journey

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“One can easily become a monster… it’s pathetic. What I want more than anything… is to know how to care. Bah.”

Today I wanted to talk about the Nurturer. This is the part of one’s self who naturally cares about others, and wants to help people to become better. He (or she) sees people in need, and wants to help. He has good intentions.

But perhaps you’ve heard the phrase “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” The Nurturer sometimes gets too excited about the idea of helping somebody that he forgets the whole picture, and all the complexities involved in taking action. Sometimes we hurt people without intending to, or we support those who are creating harm.

All too often, the Nurturer turns those bad results on himself, feeling guilt and pain. He buys self-help books. He fantasizes about being able to truly help others, and can get envious of those who already do. And after the envy and guilt, he fully accepts it was a mistake to get so down on himself, that he still has flaws, that he still has much to learn. And he has the drive.

There’s another path for the Nurturer, that doesn’t involve constantly modifying himself and examining his flaws, where he doesn’t have to keep watching himself in order to be a better, kinder human being. Instead, he can fight.

Mistakes in kindness usually happen when a part of yourself that’s out of line – something arrogant, demeaning, prideful, hateful – goes unquestioned inside you. Your Nurturer can decide that, instead of catering to the whims of others all the time, and helping those in need, he can do more good by fighting with those who create your suffering. Questioning them. In the process, he’ll be confronting his own demons – thus changing and becoming more able to care for others.

That’s the thing – defeating what’s uncaring in you, rather than cleaning up after them, you become more caring.

After wandering around under the radar, doing good here, good there, the decision to fight makes this part of yourself more like a chivalrous knight. Ready to draw a hard line and tell your inner demons to back down. Ready to prove their approach to life as wrong.

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