About Oliver Kaufman

Oliver Kaufman just is who he is. Like anybody, he's got a lot of stuff going on inside of him, and, having found a way to share it, created this website to share what he has found that brings value to his own life. He also likes to talk in third person and sound genial and relatable. He has a thing about not being defined by the groups he's been a part of, the schools he's attended, or the kind of people he hangs out with. That's not important to him. What he really likes is finding out stuff in life that is helpful to other people and himself, things that make life better, more enriched, more empowered - and without cheap tactics like fooling yourself into thinking life is better, or more enriched, or that one is empowered when they really aren't. He's not into that. He knows that some people put high standards on themselves and others, they hold up certain people as heroes and ideal people to be like. He doesn't like this. He thinks that everyone has stuff going on inside them, and that paying attention to how things are right now for each individual is what's important. Maybe he's wrong, but talking about all this in his biographical information sure makes him feel good. Also doubtful. He wonders if talking this way, when you the reader probably expected a long-winded list of past events, is off-putting to you. But, in the end, he has decided to just stick with what he likes, and that means sticking with exactly what he wrote. With that, he bids you farewell and hopes you enjoy this site. Thank you!

Ignored Inner Child

Posted on March 19, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

So, today I discovered that unless you befriend your “inner child” (whatever that means to you…), and decide to work with it to achieve greater joy and happiness in life, it will try to cause havoc and distress inside you to try and get your attention.

If you feel distressed in this way, look for the voice that says something like “…hellooooooo? are you listening????? are you just going to be lazy and blah for the rest of your life??? I want to be happy you bastard! RAWRRRRRGGG”
or just ask yourself “ok, inner child, what’s wrong?” If the reply you get is full of complaints, refocus on “well, what is it that you WANT?” By showing that you want to focus on a solution, you resolve the inner conflict.

Many people, in response to this kind of inner problem, turn to addictions – alcohol, food, the company of other people. But the problem can only be solved with attention to your own needs and desires. Don’t ignore yourself! : )

Avoiding Pity Control

Posted on March 18, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Discovered that one of the most important ways to not be controlled by others is to not give in to being manipulated by pity. People can use the fact that they don’t love themselves, that they want a friend, as a means to control others into remaining their friends, or doing things the other person would rather not do.
“What?? I knew it! You DO hate me!! T_T”
No, it’s just that you want to do something else, or that you dont like the same things as the other person, and want to go elsewhere.
On the other end – learn to love yourself, and you won’t have the compulsion to control.

Helping Friends with Analysis vs. Comforting

Posted on March 15, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Found out today that if you try to help your friends, say by analyzing their problem in order to discover a solution, they might get pissed off at you, and claim you’re not being their friend. That’s not to say you didn’t mean well, but your friend really just wanted to be comforted, rather than analyzed. Their problem may seem big, but they’re despairing about because they do not have the inner comforting necessary to handle it themselves. So comforting them is a much better immediate solution, and then they’ll know that you care about them, rather than about yourself appearing like the cool problem solver you’d like to be seen as. At least, this is how it worked out for me.

The fantasy of the friend (feminine energy friend) might be something like a sparkly guy on a white horse riding in to save them from their enemies, but that too seems lame to the problem-solver (you, perhaps). Truth is, when your friend gets comfort, despite your non-sparkliness, they just might forget their fantasy and appreciate you as you are. In this environment, friendship blossoms.

Keep in mind though that though traditionally men and women play these roles, we have within us both perspective, the “male” and “female” in the above conflict – that’s how I “discovered” it – by playing through it in myself.

Total Self-kindness

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Had another self-conversation. This time I found that there’s a part of me who is distressed and looking for guidance, and opts to listen to others (or myself) who, authoritatively, tell him what he “should” do. I challenged this, asking “well, what if you DON’T?” – obviously, he would be punished by my inner authority figure, or others. I told him that I thought that this kind of treatment was unfair, that instead of giving authority to some demanding voice within, I believed that everything inside me, every single force, was a living being, who did not deserve abuse or mistreatment.

Therefore, if challenge your “shoulds”, and that voice inside you that tells you what to do, you’ll be more free. The alternative? When you want to do something, do it – examining things rationally. Listen to yourself, stand outside your inner judgments and conflicts. If you fail to do something you wanted to do, question the whole thing if you start beating yourself up afterwards. The inner person telling you what you should and should not do needs to be questioned, or else the parts of you whose voices long to be heard, and who are constantly attacked for wanting things that aren’t deemed “correct” or “right”, will continue to be abused, and you’ll suffer for it. And that will be 🙁

Anger towards Anger

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Long story short for those who don’t want to read: Driving yourself towards dreams with desperation instead of love will create a controlling hypocrite in you. (Or something like that)

Last night I discovered that there was a part of me that got mad at myself for getting angry. Total hypocrite. After delving further, I found out that this part of me was trying to experiment on me, and make sure I would become a person without anger. This was all because it fit into his grandiose life plans – he wanted to become a legendary individual, far greater than anybody else, renowned far and wide for his deeds.

On asking why this was so important, it was mostly because he hated and feared the idea of living a “common” life, and started to get upset at the thought. But then, I challenged him, telling him that was B.S. because he was already great, and he did not have to stand out in the ways he described. He at first thought I was just saying it to make him feel better.

But after a bit more back and forth, I found out that the key difficulty with all of his grand dreams was that he was seeking that dream with desperation instead of with love. At this, he finally agreed with me, and we made peace.

Desperation for Certainty

Posted on March 10, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

There is a power inside of you that wants to achieve ultimate certainty about everything, in such a way that it will get angry at any evidence that might run counter to its predictions and expectations. This is why if something you thought would take a short time actually takes a long time, you get angry. Watch out though, this force inside you doesn’t really care if the info is false or not – he wants knowledge purely for the feeling of power that it gives. Make sure you question yourself or it might rampage into your actions, causing you to do harmful things to yourself and others, proudly.

And if you get scared at this prospect, don’t worry. Your desperation is not bigger than your capacity to handle the truth and adjust your actions accordingly.

Quick Exercise: Relief from Uncertainty

I decided to add this to help anyone struggling with uncertainty right in this moment. Hopefully this will resolve the panic that can often come at times like this.

Take out a piece of paper or open a document. Write at the top “Things I’m uncertain of”
Write a list of all the things you’re uncertain of, until you feel they’re all out.
Look over your list and recognize that many, if not all, of these you might not be able to be certain of until they happen. Also notice that if you were certain about these things, it might bring a lot of relief. A sense of direction. This puts you in a pretty bad situation, huh.
Now, for each item in the list, write what you would do if the worst case scenario happened. Try to put yourself in the situation and really imagine it. Don’t worry, it hasn’t happened yet, you’re just imagining it. You’re preparing for the worst.
Keep adding things to either list until you feel a sense of stability again. If you’re still having trouble, ask yourself WHY, and write down the answer. Keep asking yourself “why?” until you feel that stability, and the desperation relaxes.

Helping Others

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Today’s discovery: When you’re trying to help someone, there are two compulsions that arise – one is positive and wants to do anything it can, and the other is negative and hates suffering and can’t stand it when anyone is suffering nearby. If the negative one tries to help, it pulls out its back of tricks and theories for what might help, dumps it on the suffering person and demands they go through every single method, now. In this way, the part of us that hates suffering can create suffering in others.
The positive part on the other hand, considers where it may be wrong and welcomes whatever the suffering person says, in an upbeat way. That positive voice may not know right away how to help, but it learns from what the suffering person says, and so can eventually get to the heart of the problem. Do you know these two sides of you in this kind of situation? Are you secure enough to not freak out when your friends are hurting? : )

The World Within

Explore your Inner World, Empower your Life.

Author Archives: Oliver Kaufman