Author Archives: Oliver Kaufman

About Oliver Kaufman

Oliver Kaufman just is who he is. Like anybody, he's got a lot of stuff going on inside of him, and, having found a way to share it, created this website to share what he has found that brings value to his own life. He also likes to talk in third person and sound genial and relatable. He has a thing about not being defined by the groups he's been a part of, the schools he's attended, or the kind of people he hangs out with. That's not important to him. What he really likes is finding out stuff in life that is helpful to other people and himself, things that make life better, more enriched, more empowered - and without cheap tactics like fooling yourself into thinking life is better, or more enriched, or that one is empowered when they really aren't. He's not into that. He knows that some people put high standards on themselves and others, they hold up certain people as heroes and ideal people to be like. He doesn't like this. He thinks that everyone has stuff going on inside them, and that paying attention to how things are right now for each individual is what's important. Maybe he's wrong, but talking about all this in his biographical information sure makes him feel good. Also doubtful. He wonders if talking this way, when you the reader probably expected a long-winded list of past events, is off-putting to you. But, in the end, he has decided to just stick with what he likes, and that means sticking with exactly what he wrote. With that, he bids you farewell and hopes you enjoy this site. Thank you!

Never Eat to Solve Unhappiness

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Yo, found out some new stuff about eating for comfort today.

Long story short: when you eat to cover over the unhappiness you have while not eating, instead of searching for the root cause of the unhappiness, it’s self-abusive. The same is true for any consumption.

I went back to this issue because I still hadn’t resolved it, rather just figured that being happy and eating was more important than being self-abusive because of that eating, and thus, unhappy. I went back after a discussion I had with my independent study professor about Hansel and Gretel – I thought the story might hold a key to stopping eating for comfort in the addiction-level sense.

The trick I used was to, rather than force my “sweets-eater” to stop eating unhealthy foods, I just brought her to an imaginary land where there was an infinite number of sweets and no one there to stop her or criticize her. As soon as she got there she started digging tunnels with her teeth through imaginary cakes the size of cottages, completely blissful.

But something else was lurking there. A nasty little critter started to sweet-talk my sweets-eater, sympathizing with her plight and former persecution by those who wanted to force her to eat right. I wanted sweets-eater to just leave with me now that she had her fill, but instead she got caught up with this other creature, bandwagoning with such phrases as “Why CAN’T I eat indefinitely” (the creature, agreeing, said “yes, such limited thinking….”)

As soon as it seemed that sweets-eater was on its side, the nasty critter started to pour food down sweets-eater’s gullet. “Eat everything for me! EAT IT ALL!!” But sweets-eater could see this was unfair… she was already full. It turned out this critter valued the experience of eating food over any other possible experience, and sweets-eater could, by eating more, keep that experience coming as much as possible.

In the end, sweets-eater responded to this injustice by:
1) Arguing that it’s important to get to the root causes of unhappiness instead of this madness of covering up, and
2) Eating the critter. (While shouting “MY APPETITE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS!”)

This was quite a fun exercise, but it displays a powerful point about any addiction – that, while the experience may be pleasurable, the part of you that keeps it as self-abuse is relying on sensory experience to solve emotional issues. But this will never work, and never can. Emotional issues can only be resolved by bringing those emotions to the surface, letting them talk, and letting them come to some kind of resolution. So, what do you guys think? Happy eating first, then non-problem covering – does that solve all over-eating? It seems it is the giant’s leap back to healthy, but there may be more to it. Especially given how strong a force that deep unhappiness can be in any one of us.

Self-doubt and Confidence

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Today I found that the key reason why I can feel self-doubt is because the part of me that makes decisions has hidden conflicts with the absolutely confident (and for the “right” reasons only, he might add) part of myself.

This inner warrior draws a hard line and does what he thinks is right at all time, no matter how tough or what he has to go through (at least that’s how he tries to live). So the playful side of myself occasionally gets on his nerves. When there’s a lack of trust between the inner decision maker and the inner warrior, then I feel separate from my confidence. But when we’re going the same direction, we are unstoppable.

Ok, maybe still stoppable, but we’re getting there.

I think the key to go from self-doubt to confidence again is to not let the fear of conflict stop you from having it out with your inner warrior. Resolve your conflicts even if they might be tough ones, even if he doesn’t trust you one bit anymore. And don’t let him boss you around either – that’s not his job, and it can be damaging to be so demanding! Just because he’s a warrior, and he does what he thinks is right, doesn’t mean he knows everything. Or a her – warriors can be females too of course – it’s all dependent on how you imagine these inner forces : )

Impatience

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Today I discovered at least one of the major sources of my impatience. There is a force in me that wants to avoid negative situations – physically, emotionally – and is constantly on the lookout for when they might occur. He doesn’t care much about my fancies, or imagination or any of that crap. He just thinks “ok, what’s the next task I need to do in order to avoid humiliation, or physical discomfort, or disappointment…?” and he goes to great lengths, trying to boss me around to get me to do these things. He likes when I have very low self-esteem, because then I don’t get funny, dangerous ideas in my head that might put me in a bad state.

So I took a stand against this rather negative mean guy, and basically argued that

  1. I didn’t have to abuse myself in order to look out for my well-being,
  2. In looking out for my well-being, I could just listen for signals that said “Hey, I’m hungry” or “oh, I’m getting cold” or “I’m feeling uncomfortable”, etc. and just respond to them rather than adopt a plan of some kind to fend off the hunger or discomfort from ever occurring (like: “3 meals a day at precise times, gotta make those portions right! Oh and 8 glasses of water. That’s what experts recommend… gotta do it…”)
  3. If not abusing myself caused those previously repressed parts of me to overwhelm me, and cause me to do crazy things, I would allow this guy to abuse me again. He got excited at this, but I told him I have no intention of ever letting him abuse me. He got the point. Basically, I feel as though if I stop abusing myself I can hear those inner feelings better, and thus respond to them, and know why they might act in unhealthy ways, if they in fact do.

This whole thing strangely resembled the conversation Harry Potter has with Lucius Malfoy at the end of Book 2, when Dobby earns his freedom. This may just be my overactive symbolic imagination, but I feel like there’s a reason why stories resonate with people, and I’m experiencing those reasons in my own little ways. And everyone with little disgruntled negative people inside them can do the same, too! Hurray!

My Method: Cartoon Processing

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Ok so today I wanted to post what I’ve been doing to come up with the “discoveries” I’ve been claiming to find.

Basically, I am putting my stream of consciousness on paper – not just as words, but also as little cartoon faces. The faces are important as they show the emotion behind the words, which allows me to see the character of the thoughts in my head – whether or not a certain thought is from a negative or positive part of myself, for instance.

With this tool, I have been approaching various topics that I want to delve deeper in to. My largest exploration so far as been in “self-doubt”, which is still ongoing. My goal in starting that section was to dispel my self-doubt by uncovering and resolving all the reasons why I doubted myself at any time. And while there are lots of reasons, I have felt more and more confident in more areas, and I feel more free.

But regardless of what I’ve explored, the method has proven extremely useful for whatever I’ve tackled with it. Often, when I’m feeling some kind of inner turmoil, I turn to this “cartoon processing”, and I get some kind of revelation about it as a result, and the turmoil subsides. New issues keep coming up, and I feel as though I’m just scratching the surface.

But since the cartoon faces represent my conscious stream at that moment, I know that it’s real – at least in the sense that I’m not postulating how self-doubt works – I’m living all the reasons why I’m doubting myself.

Anyway, it’s really easy if you want to try it. Just take out a piece of paper and think about something that bothers you. Draw a face to represent yourself (the part of you delving into this issue) and think something like “I want to resolve (insert issue here)”. Write that next to the face. Then, see what the response is inside yourself. Maybe it’s a cynical voice, saying “There’s no way you can resolve that!” or a fatalistic voice “Oh, we’ve tried time and time again to resolve that, we certainly can’t do that!” And draw what you feel is an appropriate face to that voice. Then let the conversation begin.

You may find as you continue that by representing these familiar forces as separate beings hashing it out on paper, that you notice patterns you never saw before, and ways to resolve the conflict that you didn’t think existed. You may just solve something that’s been plaguing you for years. And that’s always a relief!

So if anyone tries this, or has any questions about it, let me know. I’ll continue to share my own findings too. Maybe I’ll even scan in a page from my processing as an example. And if you do try it, I hope it proves useful!

Eat Happily First

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Tackled the cause of overeating and obesity today – in this instance, eating for comfort. What I discovered was that the central problem is NOT the desire to comfort one’s self with food, the part that gets happy when it eats food that tastes good. Rather, the problem is in the DEMAND to stop eating for comfort.

“We are unhealthy (or embarrassed because of our weight) again! The sweets-eater is to blame! Attack!”

This kind of self-abuse makes the “sweets-eater” sad. And that part of you is eating in order to be happy! So, while self-abusing you may make all sorts of resolutions to change (“Ok ok! I’ll go on a diet! Just stop!”), but that’s just to postpone the punishment. That’s one reason why the efforts fail. The whole enterprise is done under your own threat of punishment.

“But how do I lose weight, if not through self-punishment?” You might ask… and I guess this is just my solution, but it’s probably better if you put your own happiness above health or appearance. If you were totally happy all the time anyway, you’d be more able to make the change, as far as I can tell, because at that point you’d see it as a fun adventure to try new ways of eating and living.

And the self-punishing part of you? Well, it was trying to solve problems, like being unhealthy, so instead just show it that the best way to solve problems PERMANENTLY is through examining your motives fairly, and working through the truth of the matter, and making real decisions based off that information, rather than knee-jerk self-punishment. You’ll be much happier! And you just might lose weight. Or, that’s how it seems to me so far.

Don’t Believe Me

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For anyone who has taken a passing interests in my posts: don’t believe me.

In fact, don’t believe anyone! Even when I say “don’t believe anyone”.

The thing is, that all of the things I’m posting are true for me, in my experience. But who’s to say I have the complete perspective. Or, moreover, who’s to say that your interpretation of my words is the same as the experience I’m trying to communicate?

As I take it, if something creates a true experience in you, then, while it may be hasty to believe it fully, you can at least note that something has been sparked inside of you that could be important to investigate.

This is why much of philosophic and religious texts are pointless. You haven’t come to the experience of the truth yourself, so you’re just creating a bunch of mental constructs that seem interesting or plausible.

That’s not to say, either, to not trust anything. You know when you’re hungry after all. You also know what you’ve experienced the joy of a freeing realization.

All I’m aiming to do in these posts is share some insights I’ve found while solving various inner issues, as I solve them. Please don’t believe them – but I do recommend experimenting with them using your feeling, rather than thinking, sensitivity.

Who knows what treasures may lie in unexplored corners of yourself, right this very minute. : )

Fear of Thoughts

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This one might be pretty obvious, but…
If you do not want to think certain things, and are afraid of thinking them – those thoughts will pop into your head and freak you out. Once you see that it is the fear of the thought that causes the thought, then you can bust down your unfounded fear. You got this!