Author Archives: Oliver Kaufman

About Oliver Kaufman

Oliver Kaufman just is who he is. Like anybody, he's got a lot of stuff going on inside of him, and, having found a way to share it, created this website to share what he has found that brings value to his own life. He also likes to talk in third person and sound genial and relatable. He has a thing about not being defined by the groups he's been a part of, the schools he's attended, or the kind of people he hangs out with. That's not important to him. What he really likes is finding out stuff in life that is helpful to other people and himself, things that make life better, more enriched, more empowered - and without cheap tactics like fooling yourself into thinking life is better, or more enriched, or that one is empowered when they really aren't. He's not into that. He knows that some people put high standards on themselves and others, they hold up certain people as heroes and ideal people to be like. He doesn't like this. He thinks that everyone has stuff going on inside them, and that paying attention to how things are right now for each individual is what's important. Maybe he's wrong, but talking about all this in his biographical information sure makes him feel good. Also doubtful. He wonders if talking this way, when you the reader probably expected a long-winded list of past events, is off-putting to you. But, in the end, he has decided to just stick with what he likes, and that means sticking with exactly what he wrote. With that, he bids you farewell and hopes you enjoy this site. Thank you!

Stress: A Disagreement with Peace

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How I represent the peaceful force inside myself – as a white bird

There’s part of you who’s always calm, relaxed, and cares about you. When you get anxious or worried, it’s probably because you’re disagreeing in some way with this relaxed self. “Yes, I do need to get worried! Look at all these things I’ve got to do, how could I be calm right now??? I’d get nothing done! Ugh! I don’t know if I’ll get them done… oh no…” It seems that whenever you do something out of fear you are disagreeing with the way the calm part of you handles things. After all, it’s fight or flight at that point, as opposed to calm. And it’s not bothered at all in respecting your wishes and standing aside, letting you get fearful and worried – that’s what someone who cares for you would do, after all. Still, I get the sense that if you work through your differences with this side of you, it would stay with you all the time – now wouldn’t that be awesome?

Honorable Self-doubt

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There is a part of you who earnestly wants to do the right, honorable thing, and is often thrown into doubt about every little thing where he might be doing the wrong thing. Other parts of you can try to cheer him up, tell him he needs to be confident, but he won’t ever trust the advice of others enough to actually give up his self-doubt. What he needs is experience, and one of the best places for him to get it is around those parts of you who ACT, and who view fear and doubt as a weakness that hinders a person from getting things done. Why them? Because your self-doubter can examine where these other parts of you are being honorable or dishonorable, while at the same time gaining some experience in acting despite his doubts (aka: courage).

This part of myself is currently the understudy of a black-haired, ill-tempered woman commander, with an eye patch, who doesn’t take any crap or fluffy idealism, and whose business is action in the face of adversity. Part of this involves accepting all adversity that exists, and dealing with it. Not sure where this is going to go from here, but just thought I’d share.

Gruff Johnny

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Recently I met the gruff side of myself. He doesn’t mind going by “Gruff Johnny”. I visualize him as someone who drinks a lot of beer and throws the cans around his small home. He’s a down to earth kind of guy, who only supports what’s necessary, and has his doubts about all kinds of fanaticism and crazy desires. He also drops the F-bomb alot, telling me things like “Calm the **** down already.” when I get too worked up about this or that. Hmm, let me try staging a conversation. Gruff Johnny, is there anything you’d like to tell my friends on Facebook?

“Go hug your loved ones and stop treating me like a ****ing sideshow. I keep to myself for a reason, you know?”

Um, anything else?

“Nope.”

Ok that didn’t go well. Anyway, I can ask this side of me for advice and worldly wisdom at any time, and it’s been quite helpful, since I am kind of frenetic at times, going here and there and wondering what I should do. I feel like there’s more to say.

“Listen, just what are you trying to accomplish here?”

Well, I want to say something profound, to share with everyone.

“Well I ain’t got anything profound to say, alright?”

Ah well, you guys get the idea.

In Friendship, you are ALWAYS Special

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Today, I figured out that the desire to become special by becoming something other than you are (for instance, more skilled at something), is based off of a feeling of rejection from those you considered your friends (perhaps internal friends). The whole notion that you need to be special to be accepted is wrong, because anyone who puts that kind of condition on friendship really isn’t your friend.

Yeah, it’s alright to become skilled at something, but it’s also alright to not be skilled at all. Once you know this, it becomes easier to be one of those weirdos who always does what they want. Don’t buy into the standards of others, their fault-finding and animosity, their egotism… it’s all just their own difficulty. But when it comes to the surface in the way someone treats you, know that it has nothing to do with you, and you do not need to prove to their standards that you are acceptable.

So if you feel anxiety over the fact that you can’t seem to get to the level of success, skill, fame, talent, wealth, goodness, beauty, WHATEVER of other people, question your need to GET to that level. Maybe it’s alright for you stay where you’re at, if you like it. Be weird, unskilled, dorky, emotional, quirky, imperfect. Maybe there’s no problem there after all.

Addition: (6/12/12)

This video was recently brought to my attention, and in it the speaker talks about the exact point that healed this part of myself – to really know that I am special, not because of some kind of achievement, but because everyone is special. At least, to their true friends. Those friends will always count you among the special, no matter what you do, and we never need to waste our time proving to those who aren’t our friends that we’re special, because their inability to recognize that is their problem.

Outside Yourself is Inside your Self

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Whatever you are looking for outside yourself in another person or activity is also a part of you.

For example, if you’re looking for peace, there is a peaceful part of you. The problem is the part of you who’s looking for peace and the part who’s peaceful aren’t synced up – they have some disagreements that keep them from staying together. Work these out and you can have what you’re looking for. If you’re having trouble, just ask yourself “What is the peaceful (or any other) part of me doing right now?” and you’ll probably get a metaphoric image (in your imagination) showing you. Then try staging a conversation between the part of you who wants something and the part of you who IS that something. See what happens and try to work through it.

Helping others to Accept Tragedy and Loss

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Random thought: At any time all our hopes and carefully laid out plans for the future could come crashing down, and our refusal to accept that reality does not need to be foisted on others, because in times of trial, people NEED acceptance, rather than the temptation to ignore, escape, or refuse the reality around and within them.

What I mean is, when someone is going through something tough, if they have trouble accepting things, saying, “I can’t believe this happened…”, then rather than just agreeing with them it’s important to emphasize, when they’re ready, with kindness, that they will need to accept it in order to move forward. If they can’t, it’s important to ask why. Maybe they have a need that’s not being met anymore, and you can work with them at that point to help them meet that need in new ways, as life changes.

Just remember to be patient. Give people the time to let their fear of the new situation calm down. And most of all, make sure they know it’s ok to be afraid, it’s ok to feel lost. This is a sensitive time, and if they run away from their feelings, things will only get worse. With a space to heal and feel the feelings, the ones that are hard to take, they’ll get better.

And as with anything for others, you can give yourself this space to heal too.