Author Archives: Oliver Kaufman

About Oliver Kaufman

Oliver Kaufman just is who he is. Like anybody, he's got a lot of stuff going on inside of him, and, having found a way to share it, created this website to share what he has found that brings value to his own life. He also likes to talk in third person and sound genial and relatable. He has a thing about not being defined by the groups he's been a part of, the schools he's attended, or the kind of people he hangs out with. That's not important to him. What he really likes is finding out stuff in life that is helpful to other people and himself, things that make life better, more enriched, more empowered - and without cheap tactics like fooling yourself into thinking life is better, or more enriched, or that one is empowered when they really aren't. He's not into that. He knows that some people put high standards on themselves and others, they hold up certain people as heroes and ideal people to be like. He doesn't like this. He thinks that everyone has stuff going on inside them, and that paying attention to how things are right now for each individual is what's important. Maybe he's wrong, but talking about all this in his biographical information sure makes him feel good. Also doubtful. He wonders if talking this way, when you the reader probably expected a long-winded list of past events, is off-putting to you. But, in the end, he has decided to just stick with what he likes, and that means sticking with exactly what he wrote. With that, he bids you farewell and hopes you enjoy this site. Thank you!

Tragedy and the Emotional Vampire

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The tragedy of losing friends and those you hold dear is connected to clinging on to others (who you also hold dear) in unhealthy, unfriendly ways. Maybe the true culprit is abandoning yourself during times of pain, when you need comforting the most. I will find out.

EDIT: Why does this post include something about the “Emotional Vampire?”

There is a side of one’s self who wants to keep others close to it because of the benefits it gains. I call this The Emotional Vampire. Why? Because he wants to prey off of the joy of friendship, but complains with those others want to be free, and do their own thing.

After talking with this guy, I realized he acted this way because he himself had lost friends, and, not wanting to deal with that kind of pain anymore, he now did what he could to keep current friends close.

He only seems to come out when a friendship or relationship is in danger. It’s that grasping feeling, saying, “How dare they! I am their friend!” However, as you can see, the Emotional Vampire isn’t invested in what their friend wants.

The reason why, in the original post, I suggested this compulsion might have to do with abandoning yourself in times of pain is because when you lose a friend, it’s painful – and if you can’t be your own friend at those times, you might try to get other people to alleviate your pain for you. I have not proven or disproven this at this time.

All I can say it was extremely disturbing the first time I saw this in myself, because I want to be a good friend, and this side of myself is decidedly not.

Just be careful not to let this side of yourself be the dominating way you relate with other people, or those who wise up to it will flee from you. Instead, challenge your own neediness, and become a more true friend, one who can stand on his or her own, but enjoys giving and receiving nonetheless.

Frustration with Myself

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So I was feeling some frustration after watching some stuff from Tony Robbins, since he’s very capable in many areas of life that I also am working on, like being able to work people through long standing insidious life issues within a couple minutes. Given the time I’m taking to solve my own things methodically, one at a time, I got frustrated. How could he do it with other people so easily? Was my approach wrong? This frustrated me even more, since I didn’t want to feel anything that resembled envy. Then I was frustrated more because I didn’t want to have to be repressing or denying any emotion. Shame got mixed in there too. Anyway I was a bit of a mess until a few minutes ago, when I went in my head to my gruff side, who had some solutions for me that I thought I’d share:

  1. There are no easy solutions. What a guy like Tony Robbins does looks easy, but really, all he does is look for source of conflict inside other people, and by exposing it, can easily point out a new direction for that person to take. He’s been through this process many many times and knows what works and what doesn’t. It’s not as if he has a magic solution. As I’ve seen in myself, once I lay out all the pieces of an inner puzzle, and delve into something, it’s easy to see where the fear or injustice is and face it to move forward. The seeds of change are in the depths of the conflict itself, always.
  2. Yeah I might have a lot of stuff going on with me right now that I’d rather not, but that’s me, and I need to just handle where I’m at and what I’ve got. To learn how to handle all these things I may want to handle better some day (so many vague ideas), I need to work with it within myself. What I’ve been doing has worked for me, and that’s enough
  3. I don’t need to push myself so damn hard! If I set out so many vague goals for myself and am willing to punish myself if I don’t immediately get results, I will just end up with a bunch of chaos and confusion.
  4. I could say “this mode of thinking is wrong” for anything, but that doesn’t get me anywhere, it just creates a bunch of anger and frustration. So – deep breath, and carry on in the ways that I know work for me. Even if something’s wrong, saying that it is doesn’t give me the solution that works for me.

Complexities of Criticism

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The funny thing about criticism is that it can be directed towards anything. At one moment, you can say something is good and in the next second argue why it is bad. Against the sword of criticism, anything can be good or bad, right or wrong, and it is often used to disprove someone who claims that something really is good or bad. At the same time as it laughs in the face of high-minded idealism, it cuts down the underpinnings of corruption. Perhaps all this is not for the sake of finding some one, easily defined truth, but to broaden people’s perspectives, to show that one greater truth is that there are multiple sides to any issue, unforeseen effects, uncertainties where you thought there was certainty.

However, criticism can be bypassed when an issue comes up that you feel is important enough to act on – when you don’t need to cast tons of doubt on it. When action is needed, rather than thought, and you’re willing to take the consequences on your own shoulders, criticism can do nothing besides inform your actions as they take place. For some things, it cannot stop you.

Furthermore, critics can fall into the trap of being insensitive and cruel. If they deliver their truth with no thought of how it will be received, it can cause a whole lot of distress if that person is not ready to receive critiques. At this point, the person being criticized can shut out all further input, despite the potential benefits.

Conflict Needed for Peace

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It seems that conflict is necessary for peace. How does that make sense? Because with the willingness to engage in conflict you can face down those things within and without that disrupt peace. To not do so is to let yourself be enslaved and manipulated by these threats to peace, such as anger, hatred, and so on. All they have to argue is “you betta be peaceful!” and you’ll shut down? Arguing, conflicting with others is part of respecting yourself – as long as it’s not arbitrary, as long as you don’t intend to stir up unnecessary trouble. Conflict is best engaged in with the intent to resolve conflict that was already there – perhaps under the surface. It’s like potential energy in physics, like with a loaded spring. That spring wants to boing, don’t let it stew. Call out the anger and resentment and the desire to control hovering under the surface of those around you, and you’ll be respecting yourself and becoming more free.

That doesn’t mean you need to fear peace, either. Just stay in tune with your ability to sense that something’s wrong – like when you’re starting to feel annoyed inside. At that point, just try to get to the root of the conflict, by challenging whatever needs to be challenged, within or outside of you. The truth will come out in the conflict, and you might find in others, or yourself, false beliefs that you’ve been relying on, but which cause unnecessary conflict, destroying peace.

Decisions from Fear vs. Self-respect

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Latest thing I learned from my self-training: That just because you make decisions toward one end doesn’t mean you need to fear its opposite. All it means is that you respect yourself enough to lead yourself towards a prosperous future. This may seem like a small distinction, but it means the difference between constantly running away from something and being at peace with wherever you end up. That is, you can face whatever comes your way, while at the same time guiding yourself toward something positive. After all, no matter how much information you gather for your decisions, there will always be uncertainties in the outcome.

Fear List

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Since I found out a lack of calmness is usually due to fear, I set about today making a list of every fear-based thought that popped into my head, no matter how small. After maybe two hours or so I already have 32! Surprisingly I felt more calm just doing this, as it allowed me to get on paper things jumping around nervously inside my head. Sort of like a todo list. I don’t know how I’ll handle these yet, but I’m beginning to see some themes, such as fears about my character turning bad, about doing unnecessary things, about making mistakes that will come back to haunt me, about unknowns that could possibly cause me harm if I remain in the dark, about how much I really know vs. what I just think I know. These come out as silly things, like: “That I will get serious again.” or “That singing a song will get it stuck in my head.” or even one fear about how if not getting on a scary theme park ride in my dream last night will come back to haunt me. Just got one more – “Should I post this?” lol. “Is that really what I’m afraid of?” “If I post it now, will it be just for the sake of appearances?” 😐 “Am I missing anything?” Ok I think I’m good now. “Am I?”