About Oliver Kaufman

Oliver Kaufman just is who he is. Like anybody, he's got a lot of stuff going on inside of him, and, having found a way to share it, created this website to share what he has found that brings value to his own life. He also likes to talk in third person and sound genial and relatable. He has a thing about not being defined by the groups he's been a part of, the schools he's attended, or the kind of people he hangs out with. That's not important to him. What he really likes is finding out stuff in life that is helpful to other people and himself, things that make life better, more enriched, more empowered - and without cheap tactics like fooling yourself into thinking life is better, or more enriched, or that one is empowered when they really aren't. He's not into that. He knows that some people put high standards on themselves and others, they hold up certain people as heroes and ideal people to be like. He doesn't like this. He thinks that everyone has stuff going on inside them, and that paying attention to how things are right now for each individual is what's important. Maybe he's wrong, but talking about all this in his biographical information sure makes him feel good. Also doubtful. He wonders if talking this way, when you the reader probably expected a long-winded list of past events, is off-putting to you. But, in the end, he has decided to just stick with what he likes, and that means sticking with exactly what he wrote. With that, he bids you farewell and hopes you enjoy this site. Thank you!

Relieve or Resolve Tension

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

The part of myself who was pushing himself and feeling the tension.

When you get tense, it’s probably because a part of you is pushing themselves. Maybe they’re saying things like, “Just need to keep calm, keep calm, keep calm…” “Just keep calm… maybe look at some websites, maybe do something to distract me, that’ll fix it…” “I don’t need help, or advice, or consideration or sympathy, I just need to do something…” “I need to do something… something important… crap… why isn’t it working?”

You get the idea. This side of you can get pretty worked up.

But if you question its assumptions – that it needs to do something, that the situation is a desperate one – then it can finally relax and become renewed. When you feel terrible, and tense, trying to keep pushing yourself is like running up a slippery slope while you’re emaciated.

The problems with tension always seem to come up when you seek to relieve it, rather than resolve it. Then you might lean on that harmful habit of yours, run to an unfulfilling relationship, or constantly fight against the tension. But to resolve the tension, it’s important to question it.

For me, the other day, this conversation between a tense part of myself and a nurturing part resolved the tension. Now, keep in mind that for a long time I had put off actually doing Cartoon Processing during a tense moment, but this time I did. Here was the key part of the conversation:

Nurturer: “I know you think you don’t need help, but maybe I have a perspective, that, through no fault of your own, you haven’t thought of yet.”
Tense Guy: “You don’t understand. My life is only about doing things that are important. If I ever don’t do things, try to – no no no taking breaks is fine. To play games, and such. Gets me back on track. But just doing nothing for too long is unacceptable.”
Nurturer: “Is that so…?”

Shortly after that question, the tension went away, and the tense side of me felt better. Ungrateful for the help, but better.

This situation showed me that sometimes certain assumptions about life, assumptions one makes inside their head, actually cause tension and need to be questioned, even assumptions that seem reasonable. Looking at the effect of those assumptions will tell you what you need to know.

I have the feeling I haven’t seen the end of this guy, or gotten to the root of tension yet, so stay tuned.

The Destructiveness of Moral Righteousness

Posted on June 18, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Moral Righteousness, examining his own fury

There is a part of you, who, when it sees a part of yourself it sees as a “demon”, it wants to utterly destroy that part of you. Right now I’m calling this guy “Moral Righteousness”, as he wants to decisively “purify” any “evil” he sees with his fiery powers. But unfortunately for him, I’m wise to his game. Yes, something in me might cause problems for me in life, might bring me down or keep me from some goal of mine. Fine. But if you try to come at things from a perspective of moral purity, then you never get to the root cause of what made a part of you “demonic” in the first place, and thus, never heal it. Now if a part of yourself is actively hurting another part, that’s different. Then you just need to stop the self-abuse. But to actively seek to destroy something inside of you? That’s extreme abuse.

And not only that, but it’s denying that the “demon” is a part of you in the first place! Maybe you’re uncomfortable relating to that twisted up part of yourself, or with even having the patience to work with it. But ultimately you’re not working with a “demon” or something outside of yourself. It’s a part of you, and for some reason, a reason that’s important to get to the root of, it’s behaving as it is.

Not only that, but the mindset of “Moral Righteousness” has been part of the reason for many of the genocides in the past century. The impulse to label a certain group of people as a problem, then seek to destroy them in the name of “purity” is something we’ve all seen before. It’s similar on an internal level, with that group of people being called things like “demons” or “evil”, and ruthlessly pursued so it can be purged out of you. And yet, as much as we try to deny it, they are us! We have something in common with everyone, especially our “demons”.

So then, if we each learn about healing, if we understand what causes “demonic” behavior in the first place, and can work with those parts of ourselves, maybe we’ll see less genocide in the world as well. Sounds good to me!

And btw – what do I mean by “demon”? Well, one internal character I talked about a while back, The Deceiver, I could definitely call a demon. Perhaps anything in you that causes havoc or harm you could call a “demon”.

Mind Chatter

Posted on June 15, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

So today I had allergies, and, funny as this might sound I thought there might be something in me, that I wasn’t aware of, that was causing it. And while there is strong evidence for the connection between the emotional and physical (See this Google search on “emotional connection physical ailments”), I unfortunately was left to have a dribbling nose the rest of the day. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t find something interesting, however.

To find it, I did a meditation to go to my shadow. The “shadow” is just a metaphorical construct that you can go visit in your imagination that houses all the feelings you deny as being a part of yourself. That’s why I went there (in my mind) today – I can find the root causes of various feelings, things I never even thought were the cause. You can buy the meditation I used to first visit my shadow by clicking here. It is one of the best ways I’ve found to have an instant, enriching, informative inner adventure. The meditation itself is by Mark Ivar Myhre. He’s got lots of great tools for healing yourself emotionally. Check his website out at: http://www.emotional-times.com/

Today, I found what I interpret to be a metaphor for mind chatter:

The Mind Chatterers and their attacking snakes (and my Explorer going “oh no go away snakes!”)

My Shadow showed me to a room where I had a vague sense of what was there. The only thing I could clearly distinguish to visualize was a purple ball of energy in the middle of the room. So I was like, “well, I’ll just take this and see what happens.” Immediately after I did, I started visualizing what you see above. A number of stoic, thinking parts of myself were standing in a large circle around me, talking incessantly about if it was right of me to have taken the ball of energy. As they were lost in this talk, a hoard of snakes kept advancing on me from all sides. I noticed also that the talk of the thinkers and the snakes were connected.

This led me to the conclusion that when you start thinking incessantly, and get lost in thoughts, it can be like a hoard of snakes is also advancing on the acting part of you – the one who actually gets things done and moves around and explores the shadow. And I’m not talking about daydream thoughts – but rather the kind of torrent of thoughts you get when worried. “Well what if this, what if that, or maybe this, no this…” and on and on without end.

So if you’re wondering about practical application, I’d say this: Thinking about things is great and all, but just be careful about the effect it’s having on you. What’s it doing to you? Is it shutting down your ability to act, attacking you? If so, it might be helpful to stand up to those thoughts, find some way to get them to stand down. Or just act regardless of what they have to say.

P.S. I concluded in my Shadow by leading the mind chatterers out of their room. At first I was going to keep the snakes sealed away, but they complained saying that the snakes were their friends. So I let them keep them on the condition that if they tried to attack me or anyone else inside me, I would burn them up with fire. They agreed and so we all left the shadow, and then I exited the meditation. Fun times!

The Princess of Stories and the Giant

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Just wrote this today for L.C. Ricardo’s fairy tale writing contest posted on her blog here. To write it, I just let the image spur an adventure to take place inside myself. This was spontaneous, but I feel like at least one character I’ve run across before (the self-accepting giant) was a part of this tale. It seems that this princess, if I have represented her accurately, can be extraordinarily powerful when distressed, as you will see. I feel like this method of inner work is the least accurate, but nevertheless I enjoyed the process, and I hope you enjoy the results. : )

— Story Prompt Picture — copyright Lissie Elle Laricchia

The Princess of Stories and the Giant

Once upon a time, a girl found herself standing in a confusing, foggy land. At first she searched for a way out, but eventually she got bored and frustrated, and sat down to take a nap, saying under her breath, “if only I could find a real story, if only I could find a REAL story…”

On waking, she found a ladder standing next to her, its top disappearing into the fog above. Looking to the left and right to make sure no one was looking at her being so mischievous, she began to ascend.

Halfway up the ladder got all oily, and it was hard to keep going. She began to think, “oh, but what if it’s no good up there either? Maybe it’s just a boring old place too.” But, given that she hadn’t been able to find anything below for so long, she decided to power through, and even though it took a great deal of strength, she passed the oily area and kept ascending into the clouds.

No sooner had she begun to think about how long the ladder was than her head popped through the clouds, and she could see the bright blue sky above her. She was curious, but still sad.

“Oh, is this all there is?” she said. “I know all about the blue sky. I’d rather be lost in fog than be here where I know what to expect.”

But since she had nothing better to do, she started to wander around the clouds. It wasn’t too long before her sad, wandering eyes, met with the sight of a giant stirring something in a large pot. It smelled bland.

“Excuse me,” said the girl. “What are you doing?”

“Hm?” said the giant. He had a deep voice and rather fuzzy eyebrows. “The question is, what are you doing?”

“Me? I’m trying to find a story. You see, when I find one, I’ll catch it in my net and take it home.”

“Oh? Let me see that net.”

The girl took out a small notebook from her pocket and handed it to the giant, who couldn’t flip it open with his giant fingers.

“Well I’ll leave you to it,” he said after trying several times to open the notebook and failing.

“Why, what are you doing?”

“Just making some soup.” said the giant.

Just then, the girl noticed that the giant’s pot was sitting on what looked like a large, red frog, who was getting redder by the second, and looked angry.

“Don’t overheat it now,” said the giant. He tapped the frog with a stick and all the hot air blew out of him, and he returned to a gray color.

“Who’s he?” said the girl.

“Nobody in particular,” said the giant, “But he helps me with my food. Whenever he gets angry and forgets to breathe he heats up. Quite convenient – except that sometimes I need to remind him to breathe.”

“Oh, I see,” said the girl, and she wandered around the giant’s outdoor kitchen quite confidently, eventually walking right up to the angry face of the frog, and poking its nose.

“So what makes YOU so angry?” she said. At this the frog puffed up with anger.

“Best not do that,” warned the giant.

“And says who? What gives you the right to get so angry? You silly frog.”

The frog rolled his eyes, breathed out, and returned to normal. A smile lit up the girl’s face.

“This is funny!” said the girl, jumping towards the frog.

“Easy does it,” said the giant. He put his hand between the two of them and nudged her back.

“Hey! Stop that will you?”

“Bugger heats my soup, don’t need you disturbin’ him none.”

“Well… fine.” said the girl, mirroring the frown in the frog’s face.

She began to pace around the giant’s home-with-no-walls, kicking wisps of cloud as she went. She went and sat on the bed and brooded.

Just then, the sky began to darken. Dark clouds moved in far above them (a fact the girl found surprising), and thunder could be heard in the distance. The girl got concerned and complained to the giant, but he sat calmly eating his soup as he answered her.

“Things happen from time to time, but I am here, and capable enough, perhaps. We will see.”

This did not comfort the little girl at all, and she kept wandering around clutching and the table’s legs, which were as wide as trees.

Soon after, a man riding a black horse drew near. The girl hid behind the giant in fright, for the horse and its rider were just as big as the giant, and the rider wore a helmet of twisted metal, which frightened her even more.

“It’s time.” said the man on the black horse.

“Time for what?” said the giant calmly.

“Do not take me for a fool. It is time.”

“Do explain yourself,” said the giant, “For I am the fool here, if there is to be one.”

“Leave your smart words for someone who will show you mercy,” said the man. He grabbed the giant’s shirt threateningly.

Just then the girl gained some courage, since she was with the giant, and shouted out, “Just leave us alone you lousy git!”

Her blood ran cold, however, when the horseman turned to look at her, face hidden beneath the metal helmet. He reached out a gauntlet-covered hand towards her, but the giant blocked it.

“She is of no concern to you,” said the giant, “Now leave us be.”

“Ah so you have a friend now, and do not wish to be left alone anymore…” the man then took off his helmet, and the girl could see his wild eyes and hair that thrashed about in the wind. “What hypocrisy! What double-talk! You fool! Don’t you see now that-”

But whatever else the man was going to say was lost when the giant took the opportunity to slam his fist into the man’s exposed head. The man went flying, but was able to stand after a short time.

“I promise you I will return, and take your head with me. An attack on me will not go unnoticed, you insolent fool. Your strength will not protect you forever.”

Just then the frog blew out a jet of flames, scaring the man away.

“I didn’t know he could do that,” said the girl.

“He is useful for many things,” said the giant, and sat back down to dinner. The girl still felt nervous.

“What are you going to do about that man?”

“Things will work themselves out, one way or another.”

The girl was not so sure, and went to sleep uneasy.

When she awoke, the giant was already up, putting logs away in his kitchen. Where he got the wood from she could never guess, but didn’t ask the giant about that, because she what she saw was that the entire cloud area around the giant’s cabin-without-walls had fallen away. She crawled to the edge and could see the green earth far beneath them. With a squeak she ran away from it.

“What’s going on?” she said to the giant.

“I don’t know,” said the giant, calm as ever. The frog had to keep breathing rapidly though, because he kept getting angry fast.

“But… how will I get down?”

“Well, how did you get up?”

“The ladder… but, but, I can’t go down now! You’re in trouble here, and, well, what good could I do down there.” She began to get very nervous.

“I don’t know, but what do you think you can do up here, either? Get a story?”

“Oh I don’t care about a silly old story now,” said the girl, “I want to know who did this.”

Just then she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, a dignified looking man approaching. As he did, a small bridge of clouds formed. He was normal human-sized, and looked quite small to the girl.

The man, who had a well-greased, tiny mustache, pulled open a large piece of parchment.

“By degree of the king of the castle in the clouds, you are hereby requested (that means ordered, said the man) to return the girl to the human kingdom below, and appear in court in one hour’s time for trial.”

“What is my offense?” said the giant calmly.

“You will find out when you get there,” said the man, who looked severely annoyed.

“What’s the matter with you?” said the girl, “He hasn’t done anything! And what do you mean return me to the human kingdom? I go wherever I want to go, thank you very much!”

The man answered her with a sneer. “What would you know of it? You’ve only been here the past day – from what we know – and no, it doesn’t involve bothersome little girls like you.”

“I will go,” said the giant. “Just make sure you do not involve her in any of this.”

“Fine, as if I have any authority to do that.” said the man. “Good day.”

“I don’t like him,” said the girl. The giant just shrugged his shoulders, and began to pack his things into a bag, including the frog.

“I’m going with you!” said the girl.

“I don’t think that’s wise, but follow along if you wish.”

They started off along the clouds, the girl grumbling to herself all the while. She didn’t like the situation at all, nor how the giant just went along with it. He could have easily just thrown that messenger off the clouds.

Before long, they reached the castle in the clouds, which was a tall white castle that nevertheless had a swirling black cloud around it. The girl didn’t like the look of it at all. As they walked through the city, the residents all looked at the pair with suspicion, and even resentment. But why would they care? Was the giant really all that bad?

She and the giant reached the entrance to the castle, and were asked to wait while the heavy marble doors were opened by twelve tiny men. Stepping inside, they caught sight of the larger people living inside. One of them, standing next to the throne, began jumping up and down, pointing at the pair who had just entered.

“That’s them! That’s them! Damn them!” It was the man from before, and, the girl noted, he looked excited.

The king remained unmoved, looking at them as dispassionately as if they were rocks, a look of intense dissatisfaction on his face. He was dressed all in metal, with a red and black velvet cape that stood in contrast to his white throne. He finally stopped leaning on his fist in order to pick his nose.

“You there,” he said, flicking his booger then pointing to the men standing behind the giant and the girl, “close the doors.” He turned his attention to the giant.

“As you may have gathered, you have been summoned here today to answer for your heinous crimes. I call them heinous because that’s what they are.”

“Would you mind telling me what they are?” said the giant.

“You tell him.” said the king to the messenger from before.

“Oh – yes, of course,” he said as he unrolled another large scroll. The king had returned to picking his nose.

“Ahem, yes, your crimes. They are as follows: being far too peaceful. Ah, I mean, refusing to lend us your strength in battle.”

“And my punishment?” said the giant.

“Now wait a minute!” said the girl, “THAT’S no crime! He’s just staying out of your business, what’s wrong with that?”

“What’s wrong with that, little girl,” said the king, leaning forward, “Is that with him the enemy could outnumber us three to one and we’d still have a good chance of winning.”

“I don’t care! Fight your own damn battles!”

“And my punishment?”

The king got a maniacal look in his eye. “At noon today your head is to be struck off and posted in the town square to serve as motivation for the people. At last you will have served your duty to your country.”

The giant was silent, the girl dumbstruck.

“What..? You, you can’t be serious.”

The prince now sauntered forward.

“Oh yes, we are quite serious little girl, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.”

She stared wide-eyed, in shock.

Just then the frog burst from the bag. He started shooting flames all around the room. The response was quick. The prince picked up his black mace and sent the frog flying. Then the king drew his sword and began to approach. Then the giant pushed the king back.

“No, I am the only one to die.” The girl noticed he was talking to the frog. The frog looked sad, and slunk off into the corner.

“Yes, good froggy, obey your wise master,” said the prince with smirk.

“Oh I wish I could just…” said the girl.

“What, punch my lights out?” said the prince, grabbing her arm. How cute, what, did your mommy teach you how to fight?”

“The girl is to be left out of this, too.”

“Fine,” snapped the king. “But that is also an offense. I think… I’ll put out your eye along with your head just for failing to return her.”

Suddenly, the girl realized something. Her heart started racing. The prince raised his eyebrow at her.
“Hmm? Is something wrong with you?” said the prince, snarling.

“Whattimeisit?” she sputtered out.

“Ten thirty,” said the king. “Little more than an hour to live, giant.”

The girl had seen the giant’s strength, and knew that if he would he would take out those who were trying to kill him. But having watched him submit, she knew that he stood no chance against these cruel men. She knew what she had to do. Straightaway, she marched towards the door. The frog hopped after her.

“Oi, where are you going, little girl?” said the prince.

“For a walk.” said the girl. The frog was glowing red hot next to her. Not daring to look back at the giant, she fled from the castle, running as fast as she could, past the curious crowds, and outside. The frog kept jumping ahead of her and sitting down.

“Stop it, you stupid frog!” she shouted. Again and again he did it and soon she was doubled over, tired from running.

The frog sat right in front of her again, and then she realized it was trying to get her to ride it. As soon as she climbed on, the frog turned in the direction of the castle, and a jet of flames shot out. She barely hung on as the frog rocketed backwards, and back towards the giant’s home.

No sooner had she got there than she launched herself down the ladder, and, on reaching the earth (the frog just jumped down), ran to the nearby town. The villagers all looked delighted to see her.

“Hey, welcome back! Where have you been? Tell us about it!”

“My friend!” she shouted, tears streaming, “My friend is in danger!”

As fast as she could, she rushed into the castle, where her father, the king, was holding court.

“My friend!” she screamed.

“Calm down, my child,” said the king, rushing to her side, “What’s wrong?”

She calmed down as tears continued to roll down her cheeks.

“I’ve seen something horrible,” she said. “In a city in the clouds the king there is going to kill a kind old giant who protected me and gave me shelter. He’s done nothing wrong, either.”

The king, silent, looked to his warriors, who were leaning against the wall, listening.

“Tell us where to go.” said one.

The princess took a moment, looking between the king and the warriors, then, turned and rushed out the door, only to find it blocked by the frog.

“What’s that?” said the king.

The princess jumped on and, looking over her shoulder, shouted, “Follow me! And clear a path!” Then the frog blew a jet of fire, and the next instant was in the town square.

“Fetch your horses,” said the king. “I think that speed is required here.”

Soon, the princess and all the king’s warriors, who numbered a thousand strong, were ascending the ladder. The frog met them at the top, bursting through the hole in the clouds with a single hop. The girl looked desperately up at the sun and saw it was almost at its peak. She, not thinking to wait, hopped on the frog and blasted towards the castle far ahead of the fighters.

The frog and the princess arrived at the castle gate. It was before noon. Instead of waiting for the twelve tiny men to open the door, she let the frog burst it open. She staggered in.

“Where is he??” she screamed. The king, who was eating lunch, sneered at her.

“I couldn’t be bothered to have my lunch interrupted with an execution, so I went ahead and had it done early. See there? His head is on a pole, as promised.”

The princess stared in horror at the sight. The sad eye of the giant looked back at her.

She couldn’t bear it any longer. The princess balled up her dress and screamed. The king looked up, horrified.

It wasn’t an ordinary scream. The pitch was higher, more intense than that. The air itself began to shake.

Then, the windows burst. A red glow could be seen out the window. The girl walked outside, screaming, tears falling from her eyes, as fire fell from the sky. It hit the white castle with such force that it cracked in two, then, waves upon waves of fire hitting it, crumbled to the ground.

The cruel king and all his court were buried with it, but the giant’s head stood on a pole above the debris. The townspeople and the warriors who had just arrived all stood dumbfounded.

Just then, the girl spotted a small gold ring on the ground. She calmed down for a moment, picked it up, put it on, and began to hear a voice. She turned around and saw the giant’s head talking. The ash in the air and everything else, however, was frozen in time.

“What’s going on here?” said the giant. “You did all this?”

“I don’t know…” said the girl. “I didn’t mean to. I’m scared. Are you… still alive?”

“As alive as I’ll ever be. If you can bear it, take my head to my body.”

The girl, weak as she was, couldn’t lift the pole out of the ground. So she took the ring off and called some of the warriors to her. Leaving the giant, she went over to the large mound of debris where the giant’s body was, and dug it out as if in a daze. The warriors helped her, but said nothing. Soon they sat the body up and removed the pole from the giant’s head as the princess requested. They placed the head on the body and nothing happened, so she put on the ring again.

“Isn’t this what I needed to do?” she asked.

“It’s kind of difficult to reattach so quickly, you know?” said the giant. “But I think now I can do it.” And just like that the head was reattached to the body.

“But everything else is stopped…”

“It’s ok now,” the giant assured her.

So she took it off. No sooner had she done so than the giant’s body lifted up in the air, limp, then touched slowly down to earth again. He started breathing slowly. The frog, who had been standing nearby, jumped towards his master with a hopeful look in his eyes.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to make due with one eye from now on. Don’t suppose I could find it.

The girl was so excited, with a huge smile on her face, that she barely noticed when an eyeball shot out of the rubble and into the giant’s eye socket.

“What – of all the – that…” he looked around, surveying all who were looking at him. “Who are you?” he said to the warriors.

“I profess I have never seen anything like this in all my days,” said the lead warrior. “We were called here by the princess to stop your execution.”

“Yes, I thought you might.” he looked over at the girl, who was still staring at him, now with a look of disbelief. “Thank you.” he said with a smile.

“I’m so sorry!” she cried out, hugging his foot. “I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough!”

“That’s no matter,” he said gently. The princess smiled.

The giant, along with his frog, returned to his cabin-without-walls, even though the princess tried to convince him to move to her city – for the giant was content to live at his home. However, from that day forward, the giant was welcomed in the princess’ town, and he was often consulted by the king. The princess, too, visited the giant whenever she could, climbing the ladder, probably to this day, to visit the giant where he resided. And the two of them kept the secret of the princess’s voice, and the power of the golden ring, hidden from the rest of the world.

THE END

Giving in the Inner World

Posted on June 11, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

So, I ran into a giving, nurturing part of me today, and the part of me who wants to understand things asked the guy to explain how giving works on an inner level. I thought I’d share what I learned for anyone who wants to explore their own inner world.

As I understand it, it works like this:
Any “item” that’s visualized can be imbued with certain feelings – love, courage, even stuff like negativity. The item, imbued with these feelings, can be given to other parts of you. Once received, the given part of yourself can “use” the item, and in doing so, gain access to the feeling it was imbued with.

I’ll give a couple of examples. Say that you imagine that a nurturing part of yourself makes a dish of food for another part of yourself, and this was done with a feeling of love. That other part of you receives that feeling from the food.

Or, the item could be a sword. A sword can represent confidence in something. So if something in you has a close connection to the feeling of justice, they can probably “make” a sword of justice, which can be used by inner warriors to fight for just causes.

It works in the same fashion as a metaphor. In fact, you could say items ARE metaphors. The food is a metaphor for the love a part of yourself wants to share. The sword is a metaphor for a sense of confidence that you utilize when fighting for something. Any imagined item can be imbued with meaning.

And remember that inside of you, metaphors are dynamic. They can change as your feelings change. And as your inner world changes.

The same is true for any aspect of the inner world. A landscape can represent an emotional state. A character can represent a certain part of yourself, perspective, or way of approaching the world. And substances, like water, or items, like swords, can represent a certain feeling.

We experience this day-to-day as well. It’s sort of like how you can see a word, like “love”, and it can evoke a little bit of the feeling of love in you, just reading the word. Or see a painting and get a feeling from it. Or see a present and think of the person who gave it to you.

The idea is that what you visualize as your inner world becomes more clear when you let the things you see represent the feelings that are there inside of you NOW. Knowing a little bit about how this works will let you better navigate that inner world, and test how those dynamics work. I find that as one develops one’s own system that makes sense to them, it begins to seem more and more familiar to the system of meaning we already use, constantly.

Anyway, to those who use this info to explore themselves, enjoy the adventure!

Balanced Apologies

Posted on June 6, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Today, someone got upset after I touched some stuff of theirs. At the time, I had no idea that this person would get so upset, and to me what I was doing was no big deal. But to them, it was, and when they found out they got angry, calling what I did as “wrong”. I started to say things like “only according to you” and acted as if I had done nothing wrong or anything I need to apologize for. But at the same time I felt an inner conflict brewing over the issue.

So I separated myself from the situation and went to go utilize the techniques I have to work through the issue. The technique I used here was to just listen to the thoughts with my eyes closed, and get a general sense of the different parts of myself who were in on this debate. The issue, whether or not I should apologize, brought up several responses:

A stubborn, fiery, demanding guy. He said things like, “why should I apologize? That other person over-reacted! I did nothing wrong! And I felt nothing was wrong at the time. Don’t try to force an apology out of me!”
A thoughtful, calm, concerned guy. This guy thought things like, “But… it would be the courageous thing to apologize, the right thing. I mean, there are a lot of people who act the way you do and just act like a brat… Well, what is the right thing to do here?”
A nasty guy who just wanted to gobble up praise from others: “hehe if we apologize then we’ll be thought of as a brave, courageous person. Oh boy!”
A calm peaceful force, which, when asked, admitted that it didn’t care about the issue at all.

The first guy didn’t want to look weak, or put on a show of being pathetic. It knew I had thought it was the right thing to do at the time, I wasn’t “doing wrong”. However, that’s always the case, and I knew that apologizing is important on some occasions, or, if not apologizing, at least something to make it right. The way I resolved the issue was by the second guy saying, “Ok, it’s true we weren’t wrong at the time, but that was because we didn’t know how the person would react. If we had known, we would’ve chosen differently. So, we can at least tell them that.” Then the third guy popped up, getting excited about apologizing because it would make me look good. I decided I did not want to be it about that at all, and would say so as well.

So, when I went to apologize, I did so without getting all depressed or guilt-ridden. I simply said “let’s talk” to the person, then, in order to keep in balance between all sides of myself, mentioned three things:

That at the time I thought what I did was right
That if I had known how the person would react I would have chosen differently. And so, I was sorry for that.
Then (after they said “well it takes a big man to say that”), I told them I did not want to be considered courageous or strong or a big man for saying what I just did. And I explained why. They understood and I got 0 praise after that, thankfully.

And things were made right, the barrier of bitterness was broken down and I could talk openly with this person again. Granted, that barrier wasn’t up long, but it’s easy to imagine that it can stay up for a long time between people. Moreover, after doing this exercise, I now realize how easily I could’ve just gone along with the first voice, and stayed self-righteous. A lot of people go about life this way, always blaming others and never taking responsibility for things themselves. But there’s always holes in the blamer’s argument.

I also realized that an opposite approach can be taken as well. You can punish yourself, and force yourself to feel guilty and wrong because of something that felt right to you at the time. Instead of taking the time to consider the voice that says “I am NOT at fault here”, you can impose an edict on yourself that you ARE at fault and you must apologize. This is also unfair to yourself, and it might be done to just not lose favor with other people.

That third voice, that likes praise, seems like another pitfall, because just wanting to be praised and esteemed by others is not a good reason for doing things, and I feel like it points to hidden insecurity. Remember to address this if you ever do something that others would consider praise-worthy. I guess I would call this ego, and that continuing down that path of collecting praise is one that will just continue to inflate one’s own ego.

In any case, when apologizing, I’d just say that just make sure that you settle all your conflicts about it first before you go ahead with it. Both the knee-jerk defensive reaction and the caring, thoughtful parts of yourself have things to learn from each other. I feel like if you favor one or the other your decision just won’t sit right.

The Judgmental Self

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Oliver Kaufman

Both judged and judging

It seems that the part of yourself who judges others does so because they themselves have been judged, and gather resentment towards those who would do such a thing. Where this all starts is the next mystery to be solved.

In terms of interacting with a judgmental person or part of yourself, it seems that they only let down their barriers when you are willing to admit your mistakes and really be humble in front of them. Rather than get pissed at the judgments they throw at you. If you do, a larger and larger fight will brew, and explode, instead. Heck, maybe SOME of the things they say ARE true. To avoid becoming judgmental you must develop, I feel like, the ability to TAKE IT. To take the judgment or criticism, however harsh or mean-spirited. Even if it is designed with the specific intent to crush your spirit.

The World Within

Explore your Inner World, Empower your Life.

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